When Robyn died I felt as if God had deserted us. I had a lot of anger. I never stopped believing in God and in His power to heal. However, I wondered WHY Robyn had not gotten her healing. I had even watched the casket hoping she would rise from the dead. I knew it would make everyone clear out, but I was actually hoping it would happen. I had so often shared my belief that God would heal her. He had even given her an experience with angels in the hospital room a few months after she got sick. She was told not to wish to die because God wasn't ready for her yet. I had thought that meant the illness would not take her. I later discovered that it just meant not at that time, but unfortunately in a couple of years it was time. How does one go on without their precious child? It surely isn't easy. I wonder myself how parents with young children that they have to take care of manage. Since my son was already grown, I had the luxury of staying in bed if I wanted to. I guess one of the first things that we share with the newly bereaved at our Bereaved Parents' group is that you can have the extreme of various things. Like some may not be able to sleep at all whereas some sleep all of the time. Some are not able to eat whereas some eat constantly. I myself seldom had trouble going to sleep when I first got into bed because I was tired enough. However, should I get up to go to the restroom or get a phone call in the morning, I was then unable to get back to sleep for some time. I would lay there thinking this can't be real. This is a nightmare, and I want to wake up. Going back to my anger with God, I want to say that He is a big God and understands us. So if you are having anger it's ok. He understands our humanness. He knows the big picture, which is something that we do not know. One of my co-workers got me to go to a grief group. The first one was ok, but it was for all grievers and I wanted to be with others who had only lost children. I myself had lost my father years before and my mother just 6 months before Robyn, and I can tell you that as much as it hurt to lose them, it was nothing compared to the loss of Robyn. I was fortunate enough to find Bereaved Parents of the USA Tampa chapter. They are for Parents, Grandparents and Siblings. And at my first meeting, I also met someone who told me about a group online called WWAngels. I NEEDED that daily contact rather than just a monthly meeting. Both assisted me greatly. Grief is something you have to work on and they enabled me to do that.

I guess I will try to start at the beginning. In January 1996 my precious daughter Robyn was diagnosed with AML Leukemia just one month after turning 13. What a horrible way to start off her teenage years! She courageously fought this dreadful disease for 2 1/2 years before dying in May 1998. She had gone through a bone marrow transplant after her first relapse. Although it was a very hard time with her suffering more than anyone(especially a child) should have to, we thought she was doing well. It was 9 months after the transplant before she relapsed the second and final time. She died after 3 horrible weeks in the hospital. She wanted to come home to die, so we gave her that wish (I must add that it was after a powwow with hospice, nurses, doctor and us). It had begun when on June 16, 1998 she had gotten upset with the doctor when he wanted to give her more lasix that morning when he checked in on her. She told him "NO! I just want to go home to die." We were hesitant because we were pretty sure that we would no longer want to live in the house that she died in. However, we decided that we could always sell the house, but we couldn't give her "her last wish" later. Arrangements were made and we took her home later that same evening. Little did we know that morning that once getting home she would die within 3 hours. I tell you our story for a couple of reasons. I want you to better know me, but I also went through a horrible experience with my daughter prior to her death. I had already experienced the feeling that I was living a nightmare and that I couldn't wake up. I had gone through the times of not being able to sleep....lying there wishing it WERE just a nightmare....that somehow it would be over. We had good times and bad times over the 2 1/2 years of the fight. I used to compare it to being on a roller coaster. I guess looking back I think all of this was kinda like what I experienced with her death. (I will end it here and next time begin with her death.)

I don't know exactly how to start this other than to say that when your child dies, it is the most horrible thing that you will have ever experienced. If you manage to cope people say how strong you are when in essence that isn't necessarily true. We don't have a choice here. Our only option is to kill ourselves or manage to cope. Many of us have had suicidal thoughts, especially at the beginning. But I came to the realization that it would be a very selfish act to cause more unnecessary pain for my husband and son. But what are we supposed to do when our world has been turned upside down and our heart is broken? I found help in joining Bereaved Parents and an online group. I believe very strongly that help can be found when you get to know others who also have experienced the death of their child. I am hoping that this blog will enable many of us to share and help one another. When you have a question or need to vent, I hope you will find this a place you can do so.